Sunday, October 06, 2013

50 Reasons Not To Date A Poet by Betty Generic

  1. Poets can be somewhat “eccentric.”
  2. They have deep conversations with Animals, clouds, birds and Grecian Urns.
  3. If you date a poet everyone will think you are the jerk they are writing about.
  4. You will be the jerk they are writing about.
  5. Poetry hands are really annoying and they use them all the time.
  6. Poetry hands are extremely contagious and you will use them all the time.
  7. They will name your Cats and Dogs “Angst” and “Ennui” so they can call them yelling, “Angst, Ennui.”
  8. They collect words the way other people collect stamps or coins, especially antediluvian words that have not been in circulation for at least 100 years or more.
  9. They look for chances to insert their new words into conversations.  For example “I want to tell her that I love her, but the point is probably moot.”
  10. They think children’s books are sublime.
  11. They refuse to care where the remote is.
  12. All your furniture will be positioned around windows for them to stare out for hours at a time.
  13. Your parents will think they are possessed.
  14. They are possessed.
  15. You will lose all arguments, or feel so guilty you wish you had lost.
  16. They will secretly judge your metaphors.
  17. They carry a notebook everywhere and let everyone see it but you.
  18. They hoard pens and refuse to let you borrow them.
  19. They are obsessed with incredibly depressing films without happy endings.
  20. They stare too hard and don’t blink enough.
  21. They listen to every single kind of music you can imagine, even Brazilian monkey howling listening for universal truth.
  22. They keep conversations going way too long.
  23. You will never know if they agree with you or are just following you down the rabbit hole to see how crazy you are.
  24. They like rabbit holes.
  25. They can’t keep secrets.  It will come out thinly veiled and mythologized in their poetry.
  26. It takes a least a week to a year for them to form their opinion about something, and that opinion is subject to change.
  27. They speak in rhyme all the time.
  28. They talk to everyone, which a lot of people find scary, especially at the grocery store.
  29. They don’t understand why if murder is illegal, and rape is illegal, slavery, and genocide are illegal, then why is war legal?
  30. They actually think we need to be protected from Monsanto, instead of protecting Monsanto.
  31. They do not understand why heterosexuals even have the right to tell homosexuals they can or can’t get married.
  32. They don’t understand the global threat of Dandelions and why we must eradicate the threat with toxic chemicals.
  33. They refuse to care what celebrities are fighting on twitter, or at least they pretend not to care what celebrities are fighting on twitter.
  34. They are rebels and purposely wear white shoes after Labor Day.
  35. They think espresso machines and tiny cups are magic.
  36. They look at life as a mystery, but when they look at you like a mystery, it makes you think there is something stuck in you teeth.
  37. They will make you empty out your head and your heart like they are junk drawers and question everything in them.
  38. They cannot live without passion.
  39. There will be drama and excessive rhyming.
  40. They crave plot twists and depraved themes like heroin.
  41. They mine for emotional shrapnel like diamonds.
  42. Their euphemisms will never measure up.
  43. They can only live or visit cities with poetry open mics.
  44. Whatever is wrong, they have a tea for it.
  45. They attempt to interject malapropisms into every conversation.   
  46. They have their own antagonist and nemesis.
  47. They use aposiopesis for ….
  48. They sneak dord into conversations in an attempt to make it a real word.
  49. They abuse Asyndetons.
  50. But the most important reason never to date a poet is that poetry is an addiction, and before you know it you will be the “eccentric” poet as well.
(Betty Generic is a writer, multimedia artist and publisher. She was born in Houston, Texas and now lives in Indiana. Her first book is “And This Happens” featuring “50 Reasons not to date a poet”.)